I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
