dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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