connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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