Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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