The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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