why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
