Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
