I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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