I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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