just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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