I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
