My liver just broke up with me...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
