I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
