Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
