my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
