I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
