somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
