It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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