My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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