So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
