I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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