I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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