The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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