Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
