Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My life is pants optional.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
