What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
