Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
worst night to have a conscience
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
