Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Pants are for mortals
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
