um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
