Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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