Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
