Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
farters have to be the big spoon...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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