i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
