How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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