My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
