i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
