I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
we're so committed to being not committed
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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