He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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