I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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