I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
