they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I think your dad took our porno
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
