just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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