She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
