I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We had to coat check the pizza.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
