he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
