I want to make a zoo with you.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
