But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
