i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
