A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
