I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
