Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
