My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
