I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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