WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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